The Cynical Philosopher ...  

    ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Shouldn't that be an even number?  

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.  

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.  Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.  

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.  

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body; men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.  

♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.  

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?  

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy and others who won't cross the street to vote.  

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.  

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?  

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll see about that.  

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night.  

♦ Money talks . . . but all mine ever says is good-bye.  

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.  

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.  

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"  

♦ I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named  " Sag Harbor ."  

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.  I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.  

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.  

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us."  If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!  

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.  I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.  

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.  

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.  

♦ Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!  

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.  Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard , lGoober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.